20 Days of Shadow Work Challenge by tarotliza

[sammywhatammy]

#13daysofshadowwork

1. "what childhood wound is most affecting me as an adult?" Justice, The Emperor reversed, Knight of Wands reversed, Page of Wands, King of Cups. what was fair and just for my own well-being was betrayed by the structures and authority figures around me, causing me to go inward and reject my true self in order to survive. my wide-eyed curiosity, passion, and emotional stability were all jeopardized.
2. "what is something or someone that I am jealous or envious of?" Knight of Cups reversed, The Lovers, Queen of Pentacles reversed, Ace of Cups, King of Pentacles reversed. Stevi and her best friend Holly, who have a harmonious and very very tight, insular best friendship. they're both going through hard times and are more insular than ever, shutting me and others out. and then of course I'm overflowing with feeling about my father, the old git. obsessed with money and his own stability, even at the cost of mine.
3. "what negative self-belief do I have about myself, or words do I say to myself?" Three of Swords reversed, Ace of Wands, The Heirophant, Four of Cups, Ace of Pentacles reversed. I allow myself to be too self-critical, especially about my creativity and my beliefs. I'm constantly disappointing myself with my expectations of myself that are too high, for not being productive enough or good enough with my money, etc.
4. "what is something I am choosing to ignore?" Judgement, The Sun reversed, Ten of Wands reversed, Three of Wands reversed, Eight of Cups reversed. I keep rising from the ashes but continue judging myself too harshly, leading to negative self-talk and misery. I overburden myself with my ridiculous expectations of myself, which are actually very limiting to my growth and expansion. I continue disappointing myself and leaving myself feeling lost and empty and frustrated.
5. "what makes me feel angry?" Seven of Wands, The Lovers reversed, The Magician reversed, Five of Cups reversed, Six of Pentacles reversed. when I feel attacked, when there's a lack of communication, when my creativity is stoppered, when I come up short of my expectations of myself, when my kindness is taken advantage of.
6. "where do I feel like I'm not enough?" Four of Wands reversed, Eight of Swords, Queen of Wands reversed, Ace of Cups, Five of Swords reversed. clarification on Four of Wands reversed: The Star reversed. I don't celebrate myself enough, I don't allow myself to have victories. I don't thank myself and the divine. I restrict myself with my high expectations, leading to a lack of self-confidence. I am divinely offered emotional fullness, but I'm too busy fighting myself.
7. "where am I being judgmental (of myself or others)?" Justice reversed, Queen of Cups reversed, Seven of Cups reversed, The Hermit, Queen of Pentacles. Queen of Cups clarification: King of Pentacles reversed. The Hermit clarification: Judgement, Death reversed. I judge others who participate in what is unjust or have unjust beliefs. I judge Mom for being continuously hung up about my father and laying all of her emotions at my feet. I judge myself for being unable to choose a path and being unfocused. I judge Stevi and Holly for withdrawing and causing a trauma trigger in me. I judge myself and Mom for our finances.
8. "what am I afraid of for others to know about me?" The Heirophant, The Empress, Ace of Wands, Six of Cups reversed, Five of Wands. The Empress clarification: Seven of Wands reversed. Five of Wands clarification: Seven of Swords reversed. my spirituality, my vulnerability, my creative ideas (for fear of rejection), my childhood traumas..... Five of Wands and Seven of Swords reversed. I don't know? clarification: Seven of Pentacles reversed. my desire to fight for what is honest and true, and my dissatisfaction about it.
9. "which relationship do I want to end but am afraid to?" Two of Wands, Three of Swords, Death reversed, Eight of Wands reversed, The World. I need to stop looking away from my traumas and my damaged heart and steadily, slowly go through a personal transformation in order to ascend to the next level.
10. "where do I give my personal power away? to whom? and why?" The Sun, Queen of Swords reversed, Judgement, Strength, Eight of Cups. so much of my inner child's joy relies on the emotional instability and immaturity of my mom. though I have risen from the ashes of her abuse and neglect and found inner strength for myself, there is still a large part of me that is neglected and disappointed by her rejection of many parts of me.
11. "what part of myself am I hiding or repressing because I believe it's unacceptable?" Four of Pentacles, Death, Two of Wands reversed, Eight of Pentacles, Ten of Pentacles. Four of Pentacles clarification: Eight of Wands reversed. Death clarification: Knight of Wands reversed. Eight of Pentacles clarification: Eight of Swords. I'm not slowing down and holding onto my money. there's change within me that I'm hiding for fear of rejection. I'm resisting internal change? I'm repressing my desire to be lazy and just stay as I am because it's easier. I'm repressing my work ethic that I know will lead to abundance and achievement because I feel restricted? I'm restricting myself?
12. "what am I using, consciously or not, as an escape method?" Two of Wands, Five of Wands, Two of Cups, The Lovers, Page of Pentacles. continuing to grow and expand and seek out new knowledge instead of dealing with my conflict. focusing on my relationship with Jack and Gerry.
13. "what am I not reaching for, either for fear of failure, or the belief that I can't?" Four of Cups reversed, Seven of Wands, Nine of Cups reversed, Judgement, Six of Swords. I'm fighting back against divine offers of rest and emotional fulfillment, judging myself and rising from the ashes to let go of burdens by myself.